Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The many forms of assertive women

This last season of Project Runway has gotten me thinking about how people perceive competent and assertive women.  I have run across quite a few forms of assertive women in my undergrad/grad training.  In fact, I am one myself.  I am always interested in which of these women are termed “bitchy” or mean.  Assertive women may be any combination of:

-sharp-witted/sharp tongued
-cold
-sarcastic
-competent
-hard-working
-rule sticklers
-outspoken
-non-deferential

In my experience, being sarcastic along with being sharp witted and a rule stickler is the surest combination for having people perceive someone as bitchy.  Some people don’t like being reminded that they’re not the smartest person around.  I have also noticed that being cold (i.e. not smiling a lot or not generally projecting that you like people) is a bigger problem for women than it is for men.  People expect women to be “nice” and friendly so if a woman is unfriendly, it’s a strike against her in a way it isn’t against a man.  In fact, men may get a bonus for being friendly, while women can only get points taken off if they are not.

When I was an undergrad I was a bit intimidated by assertive women.  I was unsure of myself and wondered how they could be so confident.  Now, a few years later, I find I really like assertive women- the more outspoken, the better!  I’m glad to see women that have been successful and still have rough edges- more importantly, I’m glad that there’s not only one personality type for successful women.  As for Irina from Project Runway, while she didn’t go out of her way to be nice, she never did anything unfair and everyone else knew they were competing against her.  If she’s honest when she said she would never say anything behind someone’s back she wouldn’t say to their face, then I don’t see what everyone was complaining about.  Or more precisely, I do see why they were complaining- she wasn’t sweet or friendly- but I don’t think that’s a legitimate complaint about a competitor.

3 comments:

  1. I'm getting really good at handling delicate 18-year old egos, which was a huge culture shock coming from my post-doc in foreign land where people were very direct. As far as being assertive, I think one can develop assertiveness without being caustic. At least that's my goal. I don't think that confident is the opposite of kind or powerful is the opposite of gentle, for women or men. I'm shooting for the narrow place where they may co-exist. Granted, I don't have to compete fiercely or claw tooth and nail for what I need- perhaps that informs my ideas. But still... (FWIW, I haven't seen Project Runway)

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  2. Disagree about Irina- she said a lot of immature, nasty things. Which makes for good reality tv, but is generally not very laudable.

    Totally agree about the rest of your post, though.

    This week someone told me I was "abrasive" by equating me with a guy who was described as "just wants to get things done."

    Um, yeah. Wanting to get things done = abrasive. Funny how nobody ever taught us that in school. Here I thought we were supposed to want to get things done.

    Clearly I was mistaken.

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  3. PUI prof- good luck with the 18 year old egos. Here's hoping the helicopter parents stay far, far away! I think it's interesting that you mention that the place where confident, kind, powerful, and gentle coexist is narrow. I am always trying to evaluate where I am on the spectrum, and if I've managed to hit the sweet spot.

    Ms. PhD- True, Irina did tend to say exactly what she was thinking without thinking about how it impacted people. It had to have been too good of an opportunity for her to pass up: someone putting her in front of a camera and asking "do you think so-and-so has a shot at winning?" So while I wouldn't want to be friends with her, I would trust her to be in charge of a large project.

    As for you wanting to get things done- clearly you are making someone else look bad!

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